5 Takeaways from My Recent KL Events

The Weary Heart #42

Over the weekend, I was in KL for 3 events over 2 days. Ahamdulillah for the support. And I learned a lot from the other speakers whom I shared the stage with, as well as by the questions that were asked by the participants.

1. Many people are tired with life

Ramadan hasn’t even started yet. And we’re only one-and-a-half months into the new year. But many people are already admitting fatigue. Their fatigue seems to come from every kind of angle you can think of.

Some are tired of work. Some by the neverending responsibilities at home (think laundry for a family of 6 or more!). Some are burnt out caretakers of an bedridden parent, a dad with dementia, a child with special needs. Some are drained mentally with the endless decisions they have to make at work, and then more decisions await them back at home.

If you find this fatigue relatable, then you’re not alone. You are not weak for feeling tired. You’re just an extremely responsible person, whom Allah has chosen. He chose you to be tested, and you’re enduring the tests with patient perseverance.

And Allah is with those who patiently persevere.

2. Many are going through life still carrying guilt

The guilt of past mistakes haunt them. They try to keep themselves occupied with tasks aplenty, but the thoughts randomly reappear - triggered by the littlest things. They needed a reminder that was loud and clear, that Allah is more forgiving than they think. That despite their past wrongdoings, He still welcomes them back, again and again.

I know from experience of interacting with thousands of people over the past (almost) two decades, that to forgive yourself is a lot harder than forgiving others who have hurt you. How do you move on from disappointing your parents who raised you? How do you forgive yourself for hurting the spouse who adored you? And how do you keep going when you’ve repeatedly disobeyed the God who has constantly given to you and protected you?

I know it’s tough. But it’s not impossible. With Ramadan around the corner, know this:

“Whosoever fasts (in another narration: stands in prayer at night) in the month of Ramadan with full faith and hope for rewards, he will be forgiven whatever sins they have committed in the past.”

And as for the wrongs you’ve caused towards people. Try to reach out to them and apologise. Stop avoiding, and start confronting your fears. That’s your only way towards attaining inner-peace once again.

3. Many are showing up daily even though they have unresolved conflicts at home

It’s noticeable that during the Q&A sessions of the events on Saturday with Neelofa, as well as the events on Sunday with Ustazah Liyana, and Lisa Surihani that questions relating to tensions at home with immediate family members were a common stress point among many.

The most commonly asked question were issues with parents who were genuinely harsh and ever-critical. It’s sad to hear how down and depressed some are when dealing with the people they respect and worry about most. They fear hurting them, but in return, they’re on the receiving end of curses for every thing they do. That’s not great for your mental health and emotional stability.

If we could still somehow be patient, then I wouldn’t doubt how amazing the reward is that awaits a child like that. But I am also concerned for those who are on the verge of going over the edge. Please seek help. And this means everything; from seeking assistance to lighten your burden (from siblings and family members, or paid help), to seeing a therapist or counsellor in hopes you’ll get the meaningful support you need.

May Allah grant you strength.

4. Many are feeling stuck and helpless in their inability to persuade family members to get closer to the deen

This is something that bothers a lot of the participants. More so the women who are concerned about their husbands and children. Perhaps the men who have similar concerns are just unable to express it well enough. I’m sure it’s something that affects people across the board - regardless of gender.

Here are some of the tips Is shared:

a. Tell them why this is a high priority to you. Explain why it matters so much and how it’s affecting your peace.

b. Invite them to the activities you are currently doing. Do it lovingly and respectfully.

c. Illustrate to them the impact and rewards one would get for even making a tiny attempt at trying to learn, or practice something together with the family.

d. Seek to understand what’s holding them back. Ask and listen. No judgments. No interferences. Let them speak and express their reasons. Acknowledge their struggles. And thank them for letting you know.

e. Remember, you know this family member of yours best. Whether it is your spouse or child or parent. You know what works with them. Some of them appreciate that you go easy on them and speak gently. Some prefer that you just tell them directly and skip beating around the bush so you can get straight to your point. Use the method that you know would work best.

*There was a guy who stood up and asked for clarification. Because at one part I was giving the advice to everyone that you should pace your growth. Including your spiritual journey. And he’s essentially saying, but there’s so much pressure from family members (spouses especially), but at the same time we’re being told to pace ourselves. How are we supposed to reconcile between these two supposedly conflicting pieces of advice?

Excellent question.

I said, both parties need to understand that at the end of the day, if you’re married, you’re in it as a team. There must always be some give and take.

Which means… if you’re needing space and time to grow, but you’re partner’s expecting movement and effort from you - then the right thing is not to “demand” that the other party understands your needs. That may work if you’re still single. Take all the time you need.

But if you’re married, learn to empathise with each other. So I said, you’ve got to try to meet each other somewhere in the middle. Wife needs to be a bit more patient and understanding, husband needs to start putting in some small efforts towards positive change. Small, comfortable, sincere efforts. Hope that helps, inshaAllah.

5. Some are overwhelmed by the many tests that they are dealt with, unsure of when they will end

It was heartbreaking to hear how some are barely holding on to life with the magnitude and the speed of which calamities hit them in life. Back-to-back setbacks. Hardly a moment for them to breathe easy. I can’t imagine how that must feel like. The kind of load such people need to carry on their already stressed-out minds.

All I can say is, I hope that you’re given strength to sustain and keep you going. I hope that you’ll never lose your faith amidst the prolonged hardships. I hope know that a massive reward awaits you for your enduring patience. And I hope you’ll see the wisdom of it all one day…somewhere down the road.

Thank you to all who came, interacted with me, asked questions, and gave gifts. May Allah lighten your burden, and may He grant us a meaningful and rewarding Ramadan this year. Aameen.

Best prayers,
MW

PS: I’ll be opening subscriptions for my daily Ramadan newsletter + audio/video content + live webinar in Ramadan. If you’re interested, give us your email here and we’ll send you the details very soon. Thank you